I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
