The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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