george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
