so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
