I molested 6 butterflies tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
