Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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