We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
