shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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