My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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