Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
