He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
