ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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