I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The air was thick with penises
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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