I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
