oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
