Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
