I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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