I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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