You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
