She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
