I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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