I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
