now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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