My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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