Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
