I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
