After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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