I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
