I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
