I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
