Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize