On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My cat gives me a boner
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
