Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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