I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
