I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
