one two three fourrrrnication!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
