Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
