I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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