I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
