We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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