Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
