Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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