wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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