Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
