bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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