when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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