Betty ford says i'm here all night
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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