I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
