Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
