OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
