I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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