my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
