What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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