I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
